Seasons greetings! To all our family, friends, loved ones, neighbors, lesser friends, mere aquaintences, coworkers, bank tellers, dogwalkers, hairstylist, mailman, frenemies, and people who make a separate account on facebook for their pets, we give to you the most joyous and precious gift you could ever receive, our digital holiday newsletter! We hope you realize what an honor this is, and accept it in the most esteemed gratitude. YOU ARE WELCOME.
This year we wanted to focus on what matters most: making sure everybody knows how great we are doing even though nobody asked. For your consideration, we have outlined the top ten reasons why our Christmas was superior to your Christmas. Enjoy.
1) Our Christmas portrait is a metric mile classier than that garbage you put together
2) Our tree corpse looks better than yours
Since this is our first Christmas we had little to work with, and since Sharper Image is bankrupt we decided to go Martha Stewart all over everybody's ass and make our own ornaments instead of buying them. Here's a holiday tip I'm sure you'll enjoy: if you don't have very many ornaments for your tree, overcompensate with Christmas lights! Our tree may look meticulous but make no mistake it is dry and dead as shit! We boast fire hazards ten times greater than the average American household. If you're not worried about your house catching fire every waking moment you're away from it you're not Christmassing correctly.
3) The Christmas companion cube
I have decided to leave this up as a permanent fixture. The Christmas tree will have to go since it's dead, but the companion cube can remind us all year long that none of this would be possible without science. The companion cube looks down upon us from the ceiling and never judges you, never harms you, but keeps you company while zombies minute rage outside your front door. The companion cube is my Shepard; I shall not want. It maketh me lie down in test centers, it leadeth me beside toxic deadly waters, it restoreth my portal. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of turrets, I will fear no evil artificial intelligence for thou art with me. Thy portal gun and thy cake they comfort me. Thou prepareth a test before me in the presence of mine enemies. Annointed with propulsion gel, my jump runneth over. GlaDos will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the laboratories of Aperture Science forever. Amen.
4) Our Christmas cookies are non-discriminatory
Not only do we make the traditional candy canes and gingerbread men, we make cowboy hats, bunnies, and Christmas dinosaurs. It took us seven days to use about a hundred cookie cutters. Now I know what you're thinking, if we made EVERYTHING in 7 days when did gingerbread men and cookie dinosaurs have time to exist together? If that question stumps you don't worry, it's all make-believe anyway.
5) Our belief system is stronger than yours
6) Our animals are smarter than yours
7) Our immaculate child is more immaculate than the eight-pound three-ounce tiny pink baby Jesus
8) Original Christmas Carols
"Science Night" by Emily Devine
9) Our decorations will stay up for at least six months
The EXACT amount of time before Christmas merchandise appears once again at your local retail stores. Merry money everyone! CHRISTMAS! I mean merry Christmas! Money money money money money!
Oh, and I know there are only nine reasons but we don't have to list ten - we're better than you.